i can't help but like i don't deserve any of these things that are happening to me. i'm not a good person, i don't have the ability to make anything of myself, i am entirely talentless and i don't think i can do this.

i want to go back to last year, where even though the majority of people i was friends with gave two shits about my well being, i was still friends with them and surrounded by people constantly and happy (ish)

i am sick to death of forcing my best friend to hang out with me when she's obviously got better things to do, cause i need to be around someone that is not my mother.

this is so pathetic i'm actually cringing at myself uhhhhhhhh

demons

i have a few demons

wrapped tightly in my insecurities

disguised by the use

of wit and false charm

cleverly embedded in

the three years of fighting them

i lay down

and play with my hands

and hair

to wish that my hands were your hands tonight

i am young

and i fear that life will have no value

without you in it

my only company will be my demons

coated in denial

they play tauntingly

with my hands and hair

to wish that their hands were your hands tonight

their hands are your hands tonight

it's alright, i didn't need to breathe anyway. your sheer ignorance and immature mind has forced me to feel like i'm liking something that shouldn't even exist. you have hurt me and you don't know anything about me fuck i don't even know anything about you. do i even care about you? i dont think i do. i think i just want to be loved so badly i will jump at the chance for any form of affection but i can't help but feel used; i feel as dirty as your head. i don't feel like a person anymore hell i don't think i even classify as one. you're right i am a robot except i do have feelings and you tore them to fucking shreds without even realizing. am i a monster? am i something out of a novel? have i been torn and ripped apart? am i that worthless? what is left of me now? bones and a mess of red hair. bones. i don't even think i have a heart left. i don't even understand how i'm still breathing. it's alright, i didn't need to breathe anyway.

I'M POSTING THIS HERE

cause i just found this written down somewhere in one of my books and well, i want her to see it.

"why are you such a good person? fuck you just there and listened every time i was being a self indulgent cunt and you were so happy to let me go on and on. the thing is i knew you understood what ever i said, cause i swear you knew me way better than i ever could. we both know i pushed you away every chance i could but you stayed and you never left. you were, sorry i mean are, the only person that has stuck around. you accept me (the jumble of faults that i am) and still love me anyway. i can't believe i have taken you for granted for so long? fuck, why did you let me take you for granted so much?"

anyway, i know you read this blog and i just want you to know that i miss you and love you and i will thank you one day. when i have enough balls to.

DEATH

is something i wish i never have to deal with again.

I'M GONNA WATCH SEX AND THE CITY.

i'll leave you with this

that's all for today.